I leave for Brazil in approximately 15 days, and I cannot tell whether I am more excited or if I am more nervous. I have been told by numerous people that Brazil is dangerous, blah blah blah, and I am going to one of the largest cities in Brazil, Porto Alegre, and more specifically, to Rio de Janeiro. I'm afraid to be stolen from, I'm afraid to communicate in Portuguese, I'm afraid to be stolen. I've looked forward to this moment all my life--to finally leave the country, but I fear that my worries are holding me back from any excitement for this trip, my first trip out of the U.S.
I think that is because, for the first time in my entire life, I don't know what to expect. Of course, you never can expect what can happen in the future, so that is always something that's on my mind, however, this is along the same lines.
I really have NO idea what to expect. It will be a whole new country, a whole new culture, a whole new world. I'm excited to see the people and I want to take a ton of pictures. I was told to be careful about cameras but I'll only bring my phone. I've actually been putting this whole thing in the back of my mind until now, now that it's becoming a reality for me, that I'm leaving so soon. I just want to be back already. I shouldn't say that. I guess I would be more excited if I were going with my family, or any family at all. But I'm going with my women's choir, and they're great, it's just that I feel that detachment from all of them. You know when you're (or imagine this) new to a school and you see every conversation and friendship from the outside but you can hardly fit into their clique? That's how I feel in choir. That's how I felt growing up in Chicago, that's how I felt growing up in Oregon City. I hate that feeling of not belonging, and I admit--that is the biggest reason why I'm not doing choir in the fall. It's amazing to me that something like that could keep me from doing something I absolutely love. Maybe my friends are what made choir so fun in high school. I'm not very good at exerting myself. I do have friends in my choir--don't get me wrong--it's just that, they would rather spend time with each other than with me, and I am an outcast.
You know, I never worried about this all school year, but I knew right away, when Tina said we were going to Brazil for our conference, I was stricken with the fear of being so alone in such a large city, where I know absolutely no one, can call no one, can barely speak clearly to anyone. I'm afraid that I will miss out on certain things or doing things I want to do because of having to stick around with girls because we have to, so we don't get taken advantage of. That irritates me so much. That's why I'm not excited to go. I would be independent if I could, but I can't be that way there, and I absolutely. Hate. That.
I hate it.
I love being independent and on my own. I love doing my own thing and inviting people into my life, I don't like having to wait around for people to have the same interests as me or compromise. I'm kind of babbling now, but I really had to get that off my chest.
Another thing that is pretty ridiculous is that I'm worried about looking like an American. I don't really feel proud to be American because I feel like many other countries view Americans as fat, lazy, and well, very lazy. I don't want to be seen that way, and honestly, I shouldn't try to fit in Brazil when I'm not from there. Yes, I am American. But no, I am not lazy, and I am not fat, and every single person in every single country is unique, and I don't believe in stereotyping. I think I need to keep reminding myself that my intentions are only to be who I am, and that not everybody cares about who I am or who I'm not. I can't stop people from judging me anyway, so I mind as well accept the fact that I should fully embrace my style and weirdness, even in another country, where they may be totally and utterly different than what I'm normally surrounded with.
But that's something that I am excited for.
The newness--the surprise of it. I love exploring, and I know that I should really take full advantage of this opportunity that I have been given. I truly am thankful for this.
Maybe I should research more into the Portuguese language and their culture over there in Brazil. Maybe that will help prepare me and I might feel a little less nerved for what's coming.
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