I've questioned so much in my life. I'm not sure how many people have gone through that--where everything is a free for all. Eventually there comes a time when you have to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life, and quite honestly, I'm not ready for that commitment yet. Since the world has evolved the way it has people are able to receive any life they ask for--they just have to dream it. Literally: they put you in a deep sleep, you dream, and you have the option to stay in that dream and live the life you want or you can awake and deal with the constant struggle of not getting it your way. I've never been put under the dream state since you must be graduated from high school and I've just recently gotten out. I haven't even applied to any colleges yet because I'm that unsure about what I want with myself. Instead I've gotten a job at a breakfast cafe to be productive in some way. I've been contemplating whether or not I should try being put in the dream state, however, I'm scared that I will become addicted to something that's actually not.
Come on, try it, everyone says. It won't hurt. I know it won't hurt but that's not what I care about. It seems that no one thinks about the fact that most people don't come back to reality once they leave it.
One of my friends is a few years older than me and she has been put into the state. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me, she says. She's gone through the procedure three times and has every intention of going back and committing to it. She tells me how in her dream she is free from pain and any obligation. She has the world at her feet and she has nothing to work for because it's all simply...there.
That has bothered me. What happened to her? She used to be so driven and now her mind is wrapped up in escaping to a wonder land far away from any of us. It makes me feel like she's not a part of this world anymore--she's not part of the realness anymore. What have I got to hold on to if I leave this? I've tried convincing her to stay countless times, nonetheless, she's leaving, and perhaps she has been gone for a while.
If you just tried it once maybe you wouldn't give me such a hard time about it, she says. Just try it. And if you hate it then you can choose to stick around here in this dump of a place.
And so she left. She left and she never came back. It's almost like death. It makes you wonder what it's like on that side but it also makes you scared to see what it truly consists of. I haven't even seen her face since she's entered her dream. The option to see them while they are in their dreams is always available but I don't need to see her. And I haven't seen my mother either.
My mother left eight years ago. Her body grows old, my father says. He says she ages faster while she's dreaming but her mind is as young as it's ever been. Dreams tend to do that to you. He doesn't sound sad when he talks about her, I think he's happy she's happy. I've wondered why my father doesn't leave either. He says he will never leave me. He says I can try it, too, if I want, and the more I hear people lay it out to me the more I'm interested in just dipping my toes in the water.
It's been exactly one year since my friend left. I've applied to a few colleges and have gotten in to all of them although I still hold back. I am curious to see now. My father says it's okay if I want to see what it's like. So I go.
I go to the facility and I check in like I'm at a doctor's office. Eventually they lead me to a small room with a reclinable chair and ask me to lay down. I do. They attach some tubes into the veins from the inside of my arms and attach things to my head that I can't see. I glanced up at just the very moment a thick, light pink colored liquid was rolling down the tube into my left arm. Don't worry, they said. This is just to keep you in REM.
REM is the deepest level of sleep that a person can go into. Dreaming occurs the most in this phase. It's also the hardest to wake up from.
I was feeling very heavy and my eyes were beginning to close. It was actually a pleasant feeling to become so relaxed. I heard someone say to dream big and the next thing I knew I was hearing birds chirp. My body was lying in grass--long grass--the smell of cleanliness gave it away. I always imagined myself panicking when I entered my dream but I felt completely opposite of panic. I had no trace of stress roaming through the files of my mind and I was overcome with contentment. Slowly my eyes opened. The sun was warm and bright and I stayed still for what felt like an eternity. I sat up and looked around to find myself in a forest. There were so many birds and they came close to me so I could see how beautiful they really were. I had never seen such thick grass in the midst of a forest but it was wonderful. I didn't even know how I'd gotten into what I was wearing. A loose-fitted, Earthy-colored dress clung to my body and I wore no shoes on my feet. I touched my face. My skin was incredibly soft. Everything was perfect here, no wonder dreaming was so addicting. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to explore. The interesting thing was that this was all a part of my imagination. I didn't know that I had such an intricate mind. Everything had an immense amount of detail. As I walked through the woods I could see that there were lady bugs on the leaves of small ferns, there was moss on the rocks, and the trees had unique personalities to tell them apart. I touched everything. I couldn't resist. It was too perfect. Everything was.
Eventually I walked until I reached a beach. The sand wasn't hot against my soles like I knew it would be if I had touched sun-kissed sand on a real beach. I kept trying to remind myself that this wasn't real. I wanted to feel sad that it was that way but I couldn't. I enjoyed being alone for a while but then I wanted people. So people came. And I loved all of it.
When I awoke my eyesight was blurry. I was there so long, I said.
You've been dreaming for only a half hour, I was told. It felt so much longer but they reassured me it was safer to build up to longer periods of time there slowly. They told me that I was welcome to come back anytime and I was craving it, honestly. As soon as I left the building I'd wondered if I could come back the next day. But I didn't. I held myself back. My father asked me a million questions about it when I had gotten home. I told him he should try it but he refused.
The next day I didn't go back. The day after that I didn't go back. For the next week I didn't go. I wish I hadn't had gone at all because I was missing it more than anything. I'd been working longer hours in order to keep myself from dreaming again. Today I had been working for a few hours of the morning when a boy sat down at the bar. Good morning, I said. He said good morning back. I waited on him and every now and then I would stop to talk to him. He asked me all kinds of random questions but I liked that. He talked about things that I never gave much thought to. But from that day on he came in every few days and sat at the same spot at the bar so I would wait on him. Every time he came in he had written down more random questions for me. I started asking him questions too. There was one time that he asked me out on a date and I said why not. So he took me to a music shop and a picnic in the park. That was just the beginning of many occasions that we spent time together.
Have you ever dreamed? He asked me once. I had been trying to keep my mind off of that. Yes, I answered. Have you?
Nah. I don't want to.
Why not?
Just cause. I'm not curious enough I guess. I don't know. He laughed.
I was quiet for a while and he asked me what I was thinking about. Why do I want to go back so badly? I asked him.
Because it was perfection, wasn't it? Everything was peaceful and happy, right?
Yes. That's true.
Well that's why.
We were silent again for some time before he put his hand over mine. I really like you. Is that bad?
I laughed this time. No, I like you, too. And before I could become shy all over he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
I went back to the office to have another dream and it was great again. It was. But it wasn't perfect anymore. He wasn't there. And my father wasn't there. And everything real that I loved wasn't real and I could never get over the fact that I didn't have to work for anything. For a long time I wanted things to be easy for me and I missed having things perfect but things weren't supposed to be perfect.
I think that's why I've never been interested in dreaming, he told me. I like imperfection. I can deal with that in order to have something real, and it's worth it to me to live in an imperfect place if that means that I can be with you.
I felt silly for wanting to live my life in a dream. Even though my life was messy and broken it was real and there were people here that cared about me. That was better than perfection.
REM is the deepest level of sleep that a person can go into. Dreaming occurs the most in this phase. It's also the hardest to wake up from.
I was feeling very heavy and my eyes were beginning to close. It was actually a pleasant feeling to become so relaxed. I heard someone say to dream big and the next thing I knew I was hearing birds chirp. My body was lying in grass--long grass--the smell of cleanliness gave it away. I always imagined myself panicking when I entered my dream but I felt completely opposite of panic. I had no trace of stress roaming through the files of my mind and I was overcome with contentment. Slowly my eyes opened. The sun was warm and bright and I stayed still for what felt like an eternity. I sat up and looked around to find myself in a forest. There were so many birds and they came close to me so I could see how beautiful they really were. I had never seen such thick grass in the midst of a forest but it was wonderful. I didn't even know how I'd gotten into what I was wearing. A loose-fitted, Earthy-colored dress clung to my body and I wore no shoes on my feet. I touched my face. My skin was incredibly soft. Everything was perfect here, no wonder dreaming was so addicting. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to explore. The interesting thing was that this was all a part of my imagination. I didn't know that I had such an intricate mind. Everything had an immense amount of detail. As I walked through the woods I could see that there were lady bugs on the leaves of small ferns, there was moss on the rocks, and the trees had unique personalities to tell them apart. I touched everything. I couldn't resist. It was too perfect. Everything was.
Eventually I walked until I reached a beach. The sand wasn't hot against my soles like I knew it would be if I had touched sun-kissed sand on a real beach. I kept trying to remind myself that this wasn't real. I wanted to feel sad that it was that way but I couldn't. I enjoyed being alone for a while but then I wanted people. So people came. And I loved all of it.
When I awoke my eyesight was blurry. I was there so long, I said.
You've been dreaming for only a half hour, I was told. It felt so much longer but they reassured me it was safer to build up to longer periods of time there slowly. They told me that I was welcome to come back anytime and I was craving it, honestly. As soon as I left the building I'd wondered if I could come back the next day. But I didn't. I held myself back. My father asked me a million questions about it when I had gotten home. I told him he should try it but he refused.
The next day I didn't go back. The day after that I didn't go back. For the next week I didn't go. I wish I hadn't had gone at all because I was missing it more than anything. I'd been working longer hours in order to keep myself from dreaming again. Today I had been working for a few hours of the morning when a boy sat down at the bar. Good morning, I said. He said good morning back. I waited on him and every now and then I would stop to talk to him. He asked me all kinds of random questions but I liked that. He talked about things that I never gave much thought to. But from that day on he came in every few days and sat at the same spot at the bar so I would wait on him. Every time he came in he had written down more random questions for me. I started asking him questions too. There was one time that he asked me out on a date and I said why not. So he took me to a music shop and a picnic in the park. That was just the beginning of many occasions that we spent time together.
Have you ever dreamed? He asked me once. I had been trying to keep my mind off of that. Yes, I answered. Have you?
Nah. I don't want to.
Why not?
Just cause. I'm not curious enough I guess. I don't know. He laughed.
I was quiet for a while and he asked me what I was thinking about. Why do I want to go back so badly? I asked him.
Because it was perfection, wasn't it? Everything was peaceful and happy, right?
Yes. That's true.
Well that's why.
We were silent again for some time before he put his hand over mine. I really like you. Is that bad?
I laughed this time. No, I like you, too. And before I could become shy all over he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
I went back to the office to have another dream and it was great again. It was. But it wasn't perfect anymore. He wasn't there. And my father wasn't there. And everything real that I loved wasn't real and I could never get over the fact that I didn't have to work for anything. For a long time I wanted things to be easy for me and I missed having things perfect but things weren't supposed to be perfect.
I think that's why I've never been interested in dreaming, he told me. I like imperfection. I can deal with that in order to have something real, and it's worth it to me to live in an imperfect place if that means that I can be with you.
I felt silly for wanting to live my life in a dream. Even though my life was messy and broken it was real and there were people here that cared about me. That was better than perfection.
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